Monday, April 12, 2021

    I Cried Again Today

    I remember when I was hiding in depression and contemplating suicide. All I could do was cry. I lost 59 lbs in less than nine months. Nothing brought me happiness or joy, not even going to church and teaching VBS. I was floating around like a bobble head or marionette doll. All I could think about was ending it all. But one faithful day my daughter wanted to go to FYE in the mall and we went. I was a functioning, depressed person, so I still did things. I just couldn’t find any joy in them. So while I was in the mall I came across this CD by Bishop T.D. Jakes entitled “He Motions”. Although it was geared towards encouraging men, I bought that cd.

    I remember sitting in my van when all of the kids got out and taking the cd out of the case. I also remember thinking, “Lord I don’t know why I bought this, I’m not a man”. The Holy Spirit urged me to play it and I did. When I tell you this cd touched me, I mean really touched me; so much so that I was ashamed that I had really gone through the process of wanting to take my own life.

    There were moments in my life when chewing food hurt, so I wouldn’t eat. Combing my hair hurt so I went days without combing it. Then I finally cut it to a bald head. Putting on clothes was out of the question. I couldn’t even sleep in my own bed. Not only did I suffer, but the kids suffered too. So much so that I didn’t recognize them in pictures. No one can know how deep depression can be until you are so far down in it that the light around you begins to go out. Yet, God was still there with me. The Spirit of the Living God pushed me to not only listen to this cd but to also really hear the words of the songs and the sermonettes that were preached. Slowly my life began to have some type of purpose. As I looked at the children God had allowed me to have and the family that was around me, I begin to realize that I was not as alone as I felt. I still cry when I hear this song. Not because I am depressed but because I lived through it and now I “LIVE” because of it. I sought counseling and found my way back to the light that was once the smile and laughter that lived in me.

    In light of all that is going on in the world today, I had begun to feel depressed again. I found myself in the Dollar Tree crying on one of the aisles. I found myself standing in the doorway looking out but not having any desire to go out, not even on the porch. My heart was and has been broken since the death of George Floyd and the many others of our brothers and sisters whose lives have been taken. But the Spirit of God did not let me get so far away that I was lost within myself. I now have an immediate connection to the love and care of Our Father.

    These are depressing times and there are many triggers that can cause one to slip and fade in a depressed state. I suggest keeping a strong prayer life and making sure to turn off the T.V. Do a self-check to make sure you are not neglecting your body and mind. Feed your mind and spirit with the word and find one hobby to focus on. If you are suffering from depression, anxiety, sadness, grief, hurt, despair, or any other negative emotion or mental illness, seek help. Talk to someone. Don’t try to handle it alone as I did. You are less of a treat to the enemy when you are all alone. Although God says, He will never leave you nor forsake you. Deut. 31:6. He still doesn’t want you to be alone. Jesus says. “For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them”. Matt. 18:20. So gather together with a prayer partner that will stand with you and be a support and anchor. Above all, don’t forget that God loves you. Be forever strong.

    Freda Quinnette Colbert-Hill Mathis

    Center of Your Life Devotionals and Gifts

    (706) 464-2022

    Facebook: Freda Mathis

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